What do you mean Snow White doesn't have black hair?

(I started writing this a few days ago and didn't finish it, but it was just too funny to not publish it so just keep in mind that it was supposed to go up on the 24th.)

Ok so originally I was going to write a completely different post, but after this phone call, that I can only assume was a prank, I don't even remember what I was going to talk about. So I just have to share, not verbatim, but here's a recounting of it.

So for starters I get this call about 5am and the caller ID on the phones shows what it shows when it's an unlisted or caller ID blocked number. Off the bat the man on the other end is gay, I'm not making a judgment or being bigoted or anything, he sounded like an effeminate black man and he gave me his name (Michael) and his partner's name (Stephon). He's hysterical asking if I'm a Vet, that he needs to speak with a Vet and of course I tell him no, but if I can't answer his question I can get the answers for him. Thanking me profusely he says that his cat, Snow White, is so sick, sicker than he's ever seen her in fact. The cat's coughing and throwing up, they look like hairballs, is that normal? I breath a sigh of relief here figuring it's nothing serious and I can talk him through some stuff to do at home. I tell him yeah that a lot of times cats can get hairballs from licking/grooming themselves and they need to get rid of them it's not unusual at all that it's probably not an emergency unless it's a chronic problem that causes breathing issues.

He calms down a bit, says ok. Then asks if they're usually a different color than the cat's normal hair, the cat's hair is white and the hairballs look black and curly. As I start to tell him I'm not sure, he tells me to hold on that the cat's moving, he follows it into his bedroom saying that it's climbing under the covers. (At this point I know he's full of shit but I definitely want to see if he's got the constitution to take it al the way.) He says, "I'm pulling back the covers, OH MY GOD, SHE'S LICKING MY PARTNER'S BALLS! SHE'S LICKING MY PARTNER'S BALLS!" **CLICK**

I just about died. It had to have been a crank call but it was so funny. I just sat there slack jawed for about 30 seconds, burst out laughing and applauded my caller. While I can't award him full marks for believability (I had a number of doubts throughout), he stuck to the story, I've heard people nearly as crazy sounding as that and he definitely gets props for creativity.

I guess the moral of this story is that if you're going to crank call someone, do it to someone with a sense of humor and be creative. It made me laugh, I couldn't get pissed off at the guy and I wonder if he makes calls like this regularly. I'd love to see who else he calls at 5am and what stories he comes up with.

But on the off chance that he wasn't kidding... damn that's gross.


-B


WILTN: White Stripes "The Denial Twist"

Double Bubble Turmoil and Trouble

Whew... what a crazy/weird/sleepless few weeks it's been. I think I've decided I'm a more interesting/exciting blogger when I'm single, it's easier to talk about stuff, you don't need to worry about offending someone with what you share here and let's be honest life is just more exciting when you're single. So I decided to get rid of my girlfriend for you my precious readers.

Ok so we all know that's not why we broke up, but I'm really not going to get into it here. There's too many hurt feelings, too many phone calls, too much crazy and too much none of your business. If you really want to hear all about it, ask me and I might fill you in. But don't get your hopes up too much.

So needless to say I spent most of last weekend doing that (and a lot of time since then). And last weekend what time I wasn't dealing with that I was watching Maryland get bounced from the ACC Basketball Tournament, enjoying some of JP and Holly's beach theme'd apartment party (beware of JP's jungle juice... it'll knock you flat on your ass after 3 drinks and you'll never see what hit you) and coming in 3rd in the CapCity monthly poker tournament (hot damn I was happy winning those $60).

Tuesday was an incredibly odd day. It started out with me leaving work and going to Angela's to try to sort things out once and for all. After 2 hours this turned out to be a failure of monumental proportions because I'm going over once again this morning for what will be the last time (and no we didn't fool around or anything, I've sent no mixed messages whatsoever...).

Then I drove to Clarksville to get the last of my stuff and get some sleep. And god that was weird... as I was coming up the hill to our house not only did I see the "For Sale" sign by the mail box but behind that was the moving van they were packing our lives into. The kitchen, family room and basement were all in boxes... it was just weird. I said my final goodbye to the house and it was alot more emotional than I though.

(Skip this next paragraph if you don't want to read about memories that really only mean anything to me and a few other people.)

I just couldn't help but remember all the night's I'd spent in the basement "watching TV." The roof of the screened in porch outside my bedroom window where I'd go to think, stare at the stars, talk on the phone... just escape. The birthday parties we threw in my backyard. The crabfest's we'd have with my Dad's family... It all made me realize just how much I'd come to think of Clarksville as home. (Having moved around as much as I did growing up where my family lived was "home" but in the case of Rome and Clarksville the area was home it became where I said I was from.) I'm really going to miss that place, let alone the fact that my folks are going to be a lot father away.

Anyway, Tuesday night was amazing. Dad and I went to see The Commitments. For those unlucky enough (or maybe lucky enough) never to have experienced my Dad and I watching the early 90's movie about a fictional Irish soul band, you're really missing out. It's a fantastically funny movie with so many great soul standards, and a few years after the movie came out two of the guys actually formed the band and took it on the road. So I surprised my dad with tickets to the show (he didn't know who we were seeing until we walked up to the door at Ram's Head Live in Annapolis) and it was just awesome. They were funny, they played all the songs we wanted to hear (Mustang Sally, Take Me To The River, Destination Anywhere, Try A Little Tenderness and a bitching version of In The Midnight Hour). We had so much fun and it was a great high note for my Dad and I before he had to deal with going up to NJ, starting a new job and all that other crap.

One exciting part of the move (for me) is that I got to bring Toby home Tuesday night and I have him for at least another week. As I've written a bunch of times I love having him down here and it's sad that this'll be The One Last Final Farewell Tour featuring Toby. Heh the poor guy must hate me now, first on Wednesday I had Conley give him a full exam with blood work a nail trim and all (he hates nail trims). Then on Thursday he stayed here and got a dental cleaning. He was so funny though, when I got here for work he was still doped up and he spent all night squinting in the light and just kinda looking around drunkenly. Of course later I find out that he had some problems coming out of the anesthesia (nothing too scary, he just freaked out not knowing where he was and what happened, but still you don't want to hear that...).

Friday was quite the day. Bossman and I had wanted to go to DC101's Kegs and Eggs (you just can't pass up an opportunity to get drunk and see OAR, Carbon Leaf and Soul Asylum at 8am). But the morning girl who comes in at 6am didn't show up so we had to stay until the morning supervisor (who's supposed to get here at 6:30) got here at 6:45. So we waited in line for nearly 2 hours and were less than a block from the door when a guy from LuLu's came out and told the crowd that they were at max capacity and they weren't going to let anyone in for an hour and a half to two hours. It really made me glad that last year I went down at like 5:30 because even though it was ass early at least we got in.

So that sucked but we did have fun watching the drunk 27ish year old who looked like a dirty construction worker bust the ass of his pants open from crotch to waist while trying to crowd surf the line. He then tried to stuff magazines, newspapers and a (empty) bottle of vodka down his pants and shirt. He tried to climb a tree (needless to say that made the tear in his pants worse) and he rolled around in the garbage that was littering the sidewalk. But his piece de resistance had to be when he fully immersed himself in the bum/beggar act and threw his body after coins that people threw at him. He'd hear the clink go running in that direction and just hurl his body at the coin (I'm pissed I forgot my camera, words can't do him justice). It was funny to watch, but I couldn't help but pity him and the cheap laugh he was willing to sell his dignity for.

So after all of that we said screw it, we were out at 9am on St Patrick's day we were going to go drinking. So we headed up to "The Bar Formerly Known as The 4P's" and proceeded to get blitzed while listening to an Irish folk singer, being given green fortune cookies and bringing the average age in the bar down by at least 8 years. All the while Farrow was being hit on by a blonde MILF with a Mini that I contend he so could have gotten a ride in (again no camera = Brian Pissed).

I had to bitch out a little before noon b/c I needed to get some sleep before my dinner plans and work Friday night (damn me for agreeing to fill in for Roscoe on St Patrick's day...). But when I got home I was treated to one of the biggest surprises I've had in a while. Beth was waiting for me at my house with Jessie and Olker. It seems Jessie and Beth had conspired and flew Beth up from Clemson for the weekend and our place was the first stop they made. It was really cool to see her, I felt really bad I was drunk, but whatever it was a pleasant surprise.

After hanging out with them for a while I got a scant 4hrs sleep before I had to get up to meet Matt and Jenny in Arlington for dinner. (It was kind of funny, my last thoughts before I fell asleep were "I hope I'm not too hung over when I wake up to go to dinner... no scratch that, I hope I'm not still drunk when I wake up...) It was so much fun seeing them. I've really missed hanging out with them, it's been like 8 months since last time (mostly my fault for being bad at keeping in touch) but when we got there we fell right back into the exact same old patterns (all be it without one of the pieces). Catching up with them was definitely worth the hang over and lack of sleep.

As I'm sure you can imagine work Friday night sucked, but I muddled my way through it and slept like a log for the first time in weeks Saturday. Saturday night was Eve and Amanda's Birthday Celebration at some bar in Virginia (you know I seem to spend a lot of time there for not liking the state...). It was an enjoyable night with the usual suspects with the only downsides being that there was a cover charge (since we does the CapCity crew go to bars that charge covers?!?!) and they charged for Cokes (I was DD and after the last adventure Holly, Farrow and I had driving back from VA I wasn't even tempting fate with a beer).

It's kinda funny one of the chief topics of conversation around me (especially as Eve got more and more drunk) was again, my hair and how long it is. Just about everyone seems to like it a lot, it makes me wonder if secretly people hated it before. (Yes I'm paranoid I know...) (and yes I'm obsessing I know...)

And that pretty much brings us up to now. With the exception of me knocking my cell phone off my night stand and breaking the battery (yeah that'll be out of commission for a day or two and yes it really sucks and is really going to test me) and the fact that I didn't wear a belt tonight and it's been pissing me off all freaking night. (But on the plus side I had not one but two Fantasy Baseball Drafts today which has only served to increase my near critical level of excitement for baseball season (how the hell am I going to last the 14 days 9 hrs and 9 minutes until the opening pitch of the O's season?!?)

Damn it's been a while since I've done a monster post like this one and man was it fun. I hope those of you who slogged through all of it enjoyed it. And if you didn't... forget you dude, no one was holding a gun to your head making you read it.


Until next time "Say it once and say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." - Jimmy Rabbitte (The Commitments)


-B


WILTN: Pearl Jam - World Wide Suicide (Hot damn I get excited for new Pearl Jam music)